A milestone

The damaged one had done in the past, is enough breaking myself into bits and pieces again. And it always happened when I'm drunk and I've got the right people to confide to, just like last night. Only difference this time was I'm in subconscious state, I could clearly remember every single details of what I've said and done after I've woke up except the fact that I had no control over my words and actions... It was really bad. Shouting at the top of my voice in the car, trying to get out of the car while it's moving and worse, it was raining at that period of time. I spoke nasty, situation got so ugly and Aaron was fuming with me for throwing all kind of shit right in his face once again after I'm drunk...

Just one word to describe last night: Drama.

I knew I need to fix this broken part of me - getting so affected over matters of the past after consuming alcohol. I do not wish to get upset again because of this particular spike after I've drowned myself with alcohol. It's really unhealthy. And this time I really take the chance to talk about it for the one last time.

I've never wanted to face the truth that I always knew deep down in my heart. No one treated me in such way before hence being clueless of handling such hurtful matters, I decided to hide and put up a strong front which obviously doesn't help after getting myself drunk/high, as I simply unleashed all the fakes and cried so badly, so much that I felt hurt all over again. It hits me hard, too much for me to take.

But after today, I decided to face what had been bothering me for the longest time, and with Aaron's saying which I felt his honest sincerity, I've come to accept it. What had done is done, no one could changed the past. I need to learn to let go, stop bearing grudges and taking things hard.

At week 1 of 2014, striking away what had affected me deeply for a year. Never once cross my mind that I would be stepping over this huge hurdle, it's significant to me. It's equally meaning of bringing myself and my relationship one step towards maturing trust and faith. 

I'm really thankful for Aaron yesterday, for his tolerance and forgiveness towards me. I'm well-aware how annoying and rude I'd be when I 'explode' whatever I've bottled up, which most likely many would have slapped me so hard to sober me up if they were in Aaron's shoes... I remembered clearly how ugly the situation was last night but I couldn't think and act rationally due to the alcohol. And what Aaron did after we talk things out this morning was embracing me in his arms again and assuring everything will be better. For now I've got to say this, though he will never read my blog, thank you for loving me still. This incident was a blessing in disguise, because you've shown me how much changes one can do for love.

And, I will never have to cry over the past matters any more.